THE RESILIENT SPIRIT

© Barbara F. Meyers 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Sermon - The Resilient Spirit

In the book Still Me,(1) actor Christopher Reeve describes the circumstances of the accident that changed his life. "In May of 1995, during the cross-country portion of a horse jumping competition, Reeve's Thoroughbred horse, Eastern Express, balked at a jump, throwing him forward. His hands were tangled in the horse's bridle and he landed head first on the rail, fracturing the uppermost vertebrae in his spin rendering him paralyzed from the neck down and unable to breathe. Prompt medical attention saved his life and delicate surgery stabilized the shattered C1-C2 vertebrae and literally reattached Reeve's head to his spine."

"I was fighting for air like a drowning person, " he said. Paramedics stationed at the jumping derby rushed to him and, within three minutes, were able to start pumping oxygen into his lungs. "I'm very lucky they reached me so quickly, " Chris said, "because after four minutes of not breathing, brain damage begins."

When he regained consciousness after the surgery he realized that he was totally paralyzed. "It dawned on me, " he said "that I was going to be a huge burden to everybody, that I had ruined my life and everybody else's. Not fair to anybody. The best thing to do would be to slip away. " He could not speak because he had no ability to exhale air.

When his wife Dana came into his room they made eye contact. He mouthed to her "Maybe we should let me go."

Through her tears Dana said "I will support whatever you want to do, because this is your life, and your decision. But I want you to know that I'll be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You are still you. And I love you. "

Chris said, "Dana's response to me made living seem possible, because I felt the depth of her love and commitment....My job would be to learn how to cope with this and not be a burden. I would have to find new ways to be productive again. "

Christopher Reeve chose to come back again under extremely difficult conditions; in other words, to be resilient.

What is it that helps some people to bounce back from adverse circumstances? For some answers to this question I'll turn to a religion where suffering is a key concept - Buddhism. One of the primary teachings in Buddhism is the concept that life involves suffering. We here today can certainly attest to this truth. For, here in this sanctuary are people:

• who are grieving someone's death
• who are living with a debilitating or life-threatening illness.
• who have lost their job,
• who have lost a relationship with one they love,
• who are suffering from depression, other mental illness or addiction,
• who are worried about the health of a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend.

• who have found new work
• who have learned to live with a chronic illness
• who have found love in a new relationship
• who have overcome mental illness or addiction

According to the American Psychological Association, "Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means bouncing back from difficult experiences."

What can be done to become resilient?

How is it that some people like Christopher Reeve seem to bounce back from adversities and others seem to have great difficulty in coming to terms with these experiences? Is resilience something that you either have or don't have? The good news is that resilience is something that takes skills and that these skills can be learned.

To start with, I'd like to talk about how the Buddha said that we can overcome suffering and then see if these ideas from that religious tradition bear any resemblance to suggestions from some of the secular sources that I have collected.

The Buddha's way out of suffering was to follow the 8- fold path. Briefly, the path consists of the following eight parts:

1. Right Understanding: There is suffering, there is a way out;
2. Right thought: Thinking thoughts of loving kindness and compassion for others
3. Right Speech: Refraining from falsehood and harsh talk
4. Right Action: No killing, stealing or sexual misconduct
5. Right livelihood: One's livelihood shouldn't involve harm to others
6. Right Effort: Do good, do not do evil
7. Right Mindfulness: Living in the moment with intention
8. Right Concentration: Concentration on wholesome thoughts and actions through the practice of meditation.

MORALITY

The 8-fold path is sometimes broken down into three parts. The first part is MORALITY, which encompasses Right Understanding, Right Thought and Right Speech. Here are the suggestions for cultivating resilience that I think fit into this category: (The step in the 8-Fold path is in brackets after each item and the number in parentheses is the end note number with referenced material.)

1. Suffering from loss or illness will happen in life; it is inevitable. Resilient people are able to manage strong feelings and impulses such losses engender. If they can't bounce back on their own, they know how to get effective help.(2) [Buddhist Path Step 1]

2. Resilient people have empathy for others; The word "compassion" has Latin roots that mean "suffer with" Resilient people can suffer with others; they can spend time and be a presence when it would be helpful. (3) [Buddhist Path Step 2]

3. Resilient people cultivate relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance. Certainly one's family can be one source of such love and trust. And, I think that in this church, there are many such relationships between members. We care for each other, we offer reassurance, we are present. (4) [Buddhist Path Step 2]

4. Resilient people can communicate their needs effectively;(5) They can ask for help; they can refrain from gossip, or harmful statements about others; they can listen to what others are saying to them. If one has trouble with communication skills, there are programs and classes and therapists that can effectively help people with them. [Buddhist Path Step 3]

CONCENTRATION

The next part of the 8-fold path is called: CONCENTRATION, which encompasses Right Action, Right Livelihood and Right Effort. Here is how resilient people demonstrate this category of living:

5. Resilient people have developed self-discipline;(6) They have the capacity to make develop goals and realistic plans and take steps to carry them out; They have problem solving skills. This is something that one can develop with training, if one is weak in these skills. [Buddhist Path Step 4]

6. Resilient people live an authentic life. (7) They believe in what they do for a living, and do it with joy. They don't say they believe one thing and do something entirely different every day at work. [Buddhist Path Step 5]

7. Resilient people have developed the art of setting boundaries;(8) they know how to say "No" when they realize it would be unwise to do something that is asked of them. This is another skill that can be learned from a therapist or behavioral program. I remember taking such a seminar back in graduate school that used the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." (9) It was quite effective [Buddhist Path Step 6]

8. Resilient people learn how to avoid repeating behavior that has negative outcomes. Some people call this "rewriting negative scripts."(10) Again, therapy can help with this. [Buddhist Path Step 6]

WISDOM

The final section of the 8-fold path is called WISDOM. It encompasses Right mindfulness and right concentration. I found many ideas from resilience experts that can map to this category:

9. Resilient people maintain a hopeful outlook; In any situation, they see the glass half full. (11) [Buddhist Path Step 7] You may remember a sermon that I gave on stages of recovery from mental illness. The first stage was Hope just as Mark Rahman has explained to us. It is a required start of recovery of mental health - the person has to believe that it is possible to get better. Sometimes another person needs to hold hope before the person can see it themselves.

10.Resilient people have the ability to make positive meanings out of experiences;(12) avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems - change how they interpret them, looking for opportunities for self-discovery. [Buddhist Path Step 7] In the book "Man's Search for Meaning"(13) psychiatrist Viktor Frankl describes his time in a concentration camp during World War II. That shattering experience had to be one of the most horrendous that can be imagined. When he was liberated, he wrote a book telling about what it was that made the difference between survival and death in the camps. His conclusion was that the people who lived were people who had something to live for - they believed that their lives, even their suffering, had meaning. Here are some of his words:

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.... It is this spiritual freedom - which cannot be taken away - that makes life meaningful and purposeful. ... The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour... We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways:
1) by creating a work or doing a deed;
2) by experiencing something or encountering someone and
3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering."

Frankl developed a whole kind of therapy which he called Logotherapy, which focuses on finding meaning in life. Others find meaning through participation in religion or service to others in society.

11. Resilient people have flexibility; (14) They accept that change is a part of living; They have an uncanny an ability to improvise. If something goes wrong, they get creative and learn how to turn it into an opportunity. This is a skill that I think can be learned by having a mentor who is a good improviser and coach. [Buddhist Path Step 7]

12. Resilient people can admit to having vulnerability; It is important to have a humble attitude toward life.(15) Humility is a greatly prized virtue in all of the major world religions: Christianity, Buddhism, Tao, Judaism, Islam, Sikh, and Hindu and the spiritual leaders that formed and lead them. A humble person is generally thought to be unpretentious and modest: someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. [Buddhist Path Step 7]

13. Resilient people have learned how to harness the saving grace of humor which can provide escape, relaxation, a change in perspective, and detachment from problems. (16) I remember the story of Norman Cousins who was suffering from very painful arthritis. He found that he could get two hours of pain relief after laughing at a Marx Brothers movie for 10 minutes.(17) There is a whole branch of therapy called Humor Therapy which focuses on the benefits of laughter. [Buddhist Path Step 7]

14. Resilient people have a positive view of themselves and confidence in their strengths, abilities, talent and creativity.(18) In other words, they have positive self esteem. [Buddhist Path Step 7] For those who have self-esteem problems, therapy often can be very helpful.

15. Resilient people take care of their bodies.(19) They engage in activities that they enjoy and find relaxing. They exercise regularly. Taking care of oneself helps to keep one's mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience. Each precious individual is a whole person with different dimensions: body, mind, environmental, spiritual, relationally. All of these aspects seen as a whole can contribute to resilience [Buddhist Path Step 7]

16. Finally, resilient people have an active spiritual life. (20) They engage in a spiritual practice that has meaning for them: Maybe it is meditation, journaling, prayer, or ritual. The Rev. Kim Crawford Harvey has a suggestion for one such ritual: "Find something that reminds you of a time you were happy, peaceful, and free. ... Whatever it is, have it at hand: something to inspire and to give you hope and courage for the journey, something to nourish your resilience". [Buddhist Path Step 8]

What I have done is give you a long list of characteristics that resilient people have. I know that this might seem daunting to do all of these things. But, I'd like you to remember that you needn't do them all at the same time, or all perfectly. And that each of them have a way that they can be learned and dealt with, often with the help of others.

Even though many of these suggestions were obtained from secular sources, I've presented them in a spiritual and theological framework using the Buddhist 8-fold path, because I believe that the process as a whole involves a spiritual outlook on life. Because Buddhism focuses so strongly on suffering, it is particularly helpful to use the lessons it teaches us as we go about healing from suffering. It is a faith that instead of shielding us from pain, helps us to bear the pain and help others.

I also believe Unitarian Universalism is a faith that instead of shielding us from pain, helps us bear the pain. In searching for a way to help him bear the suffering he was going through, Christopher Reeve found Unitarian Universalism and became a member of the Westport (Connecticut) Unitarian Church. In writing about the spiritual outlook that helped him, he said: "I have come to believe that spirituality is found in the way we live our daily lives. It means spending time thinking about others. It's not so hard to imagine that there is some kind of higher power. We don't have to know what form it takes or exactly where it exists; just to honor it and try to live by it is enough..."

Whether or not you believe in reincarnation as Buddhists do, I believe it is none-the-less true, as Jungian analyst Polly Young-Eisendrath says, that: "To engage wholly with life, we must die many times." Each time we slip and fall we are given an opportunity to learn from the experience and resiliently rise above it.

To conclude, I'll give you some advice from the gospel according to Dorothy Fields:

PICK YOURSELF UP
From the 1936 film: Swing Time
(Lyrics by: Dorothy Fields / Music by: Jerome Kern)

Nothing's impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start All over again.

Don't lose your confidence if you slip,
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again.

So may it be.
Amen

End Notes

1. From "Still Me" by Christopher Reeve, Random House, 1998, and Reeve's website: http://www.chrisreevehomepage.com/stillme.html.
2. Woman's Book of Resilience, by Beth Kurti Miller , Boston, MA : Conari Press, 2005; The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
3. Power of Resilience, by Brooks, Robert B and Sam Goldstein, Chicago : Contemporary Books, c 2004; The Resilient Spirit, by Polly Young-Eisendrath PhD. Perseus Publishing, Cambridge Mass, 1996.
4. The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
5. Power of Resilience by Brooks, Robert B and Sam Goldstein, Chicago : Contemporary Books, c 2004; The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
6. Power of Resilience by Brooks, Robert B and Sam Goldstein, Chicago : Contemporary Books, c 2004; The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
7. Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.
8. Woman's Book of Resilience by Beth Kurti Miller , Boston, MA : Conari Press, 2005.
9. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith, Dial Press, 1975
10. Power of Resilience by Brooks, Robert B and Sam Goldstein, Chicago : Contemporary Books, c 2004.
11. Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994; The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
12. Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.
13. Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, Beacon Press, 1959.
14. Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.
15. Woman's Book of Resilience by Beth Kurti Miller , Boston, MA : Conari Press, 2005.
16. Woman's Book of Resilience by Beth Kurti Miller , Boston, MA : Conari Press, 2005; Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.
17. Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient: Reflections on Healing by Norman Cousins, 1979.
18. Power of Resilience by Brooks, Robert B and Sam Goldstein, Chicago : Contemporary Books, c 2004; Dancing Backwards in High Heels by Patricia A. O'Gorman, Center City, Minn. : Hazelden, 1994; Woman's Book of Resilience, by Beth Kurti Miller , Boston, MA : Conari Press, c2005; Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994; The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
19. The Road To Resilience, American Psychological Association.
20. Resilient Adults - Overcoming a Cruel Past, by Gina O'Connell Higgins, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.

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